Heart of Gold

Oh what a week this has been. I feel like I'm constantly going. And even when I'm sitting still my mind is going a million miles a minute. So much to do, so little time.

So a little story that happened this past week... One of my supervisors at the library had mentioned that he and his wife wanted to support me on my trip. And that his oldest son had also been saving money for me. Mr. McGrath's sons frequently hang out at the library in the afternoons, so I know them. Danner is nine (I think, if I get this wrong, he might take his support money back). And Garrison is six. They are two of the most amazing boys. We play random little games in the offices. And it's probably my fault more often than not that they get in trouble for being too loud. :-) Danner has been my buddy at work since I started there three years ago. He'd help me with my work tasks and tell me everything anyone would ever need to know about sharks. Danner is a super smart kid and his heart is in the right place. Very few nine year olds would give thought about supporting someone on a mission trip.
That is Danner. He's an amazing boy. God will do great things with him as he grows and matures and continues to have a willing heart.

Danner's act of kindness really affected me this week. It's probably the best thing that has happened all week. Here I am, exactly 90 days until we leave for Lesotho. We are starting our training. We are all getting ready to minister to others and especially the children. And yet here a child is ministering to me. It is amazing how God works through others at just the right time.

Danner, thank you for your support. And thank you for the lesson you taught me in kindness.

Reality

This past week has been very discouraging. The reality of not being able to go to Lesotho because of not raising enough supporting has hit me hard. I'm really at a loss of what to do. I must have $1500 raised by the end of this month in order to go, and I'm not close and I have 9 days. I know God is an awesome God, but is He that awesome? I've been trying to think of anything and everything I could do to raise money, but haven't come up with anything. Inbetween working 30 hours a week, plus 21 credits of classes, plus the three hours of homework per each credit (so that's 30+21+63= 114 hours a week of work and there is only 168 hours in a week). I'm slightly overwhelmed to say the least!
Many friends have suggested that there will be other trips to Lesotho and other trips to Africa and maybe I'm not supposed to go on this one. I've really been struggling with that. I've never just wanted to go to Lesotho, it has never been on my list of things to do. It's not the place. It's the people, it's what we would be doing, that has captured my heart. I LOVE loving others. I don't mean to sound self-glorifying when I say this, and believe me that is far from what I mean. But I LOVE serving, and helping, and working with others, and just showing them Christ's love through my actions, not necessarily my words. It truly is what my heart is. And that is why I'm struggling. Because I want to go love on these missionary families who are burned out and tired. I want to love on these children who were orphaned because of AIDS. I want to give them teddy bears for Christmas and see the joy in their eyes, because when all has been lost they still have hope.
And this is reality. Reality is I might not go. Reality is another time, another place. Reality is disappointing, but it's reality.
Reality also is that I know that God has me in His hands and regardless of what happens, His plans are better than mine. Reality is that I have a Heavenly Father who would never do anything to hurt me, if I would just trust Him to guide me instead of making my own plans. Reality is I must trust Him.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me. ~ Psalm 13:5-6

Count down...

Gay sent me this verse the other day. (I'm using a different translation)

That is why we always pray for you, asking our God to help you live the kind of life he has called you to live. We pray that with his power God will help you do the things you want and perform the works that come from your faith. We pray all of this so that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ will have glory in you, and you will have glory in him. That glory comes from the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. ~ 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

These verses has been very encouraging to me today. I just realized what the date was today: September 16th. I have fourteen more days to raise at least $1000 if I am going to Africa. We have a deadline of September 30th to have half of our funds raised. I'm running out of time, ideas, patience, and energy. School is taking most of my energy and time right now.

I am at that point where I don't know what else to do but PRAY and throw my hands up in the air and say "God, I give up. It's up to you."

Faith and Deeds

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if people claim to have faith but have no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accomplished by action, is dead.
But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder.
You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend. You see that people are justified by what they do and not by faith alone.
In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. ~ James 2:14-26

I've been working through this passage for the past few weeks and what it means. I know in my heart that God has called me to go on this trip, or at least work towards going. I feel as though I'm stepping out in faith, knowing that God will lead and provide. I KNOW I do not have the same amount of faith as Abraham did to sacrifice his son Issac. I feel like there is a point that you can have faith, but eventually you have to face reality. I know it shouldn't be like this. I have faith that God will provide, but in reality, if he doesn't by September 30th, I'm not going to Lesotho. It's hard to find the balance, or maybe there shouldn't be a balance. Maybe it should all be faith. And that is why this is my faith safari, my faith adventure. Learning to trust God in the things that I can't see at all.

Prayer Request~
~ Finances. I'm only 1/4 of the way there! (If anyone has any good fundraising ideas please let me know!) and others on the team are struggling.
~ The team leaders Jason & Connie as they train and lead us before we leave.
~ Delrine, one of the missionaries in Lesotho has been having serious pains, originally thought to be kidney stones. Now the doctors don't know what it is.
~ Me, Jillian, just to be able to manage 21 credits of school, an internship, job and preparing for Africa.